On Wednesday I left the place that has been my home for over the last 2 & a half years. It wasn't easy but it also taught me that I am very lucky to feel so sad & have such an awful, overwhelming sense of loss because it means that I have loved & cared about people here. I'm happy that I've made so many emotional ties with Cambodians & that the tears have not just been all mine this week.
So I should feel glad that I am so sad to leave S - my Cambodian mother - who is keeping some of my things safe for me so I can collect them when I come back to visit her. She brought around hot bread at 6 30am for breakfast on my last day before I left for Phnom Penh. She cooked me, J (who I had been staying with) & J's husband a huge lunch that same day of fried & grilled fish, mango chilli salad, crab, prawn and pickled cabbage. She washed up & tidied busying herself whilst I waited for my Taxi resisting my attempts at hugs because she didn't want to cry. I told her I would have no khmer lesson that day, she replied she would see me tomorrow. We both cried. That evening she called me in my hotel room in Phnom Penh to tell me to sleep well & that I must "be happy" because if I was happy then she would be happy. I couldn't speak back to her without my voice breaking.
I am very grateful that I met my lovely assistant - L - whose strength in adversity, wit & wisdom far surpass her years. Saying good bye to her on our last day of work together was tough, I could barely get out the words to thank her or tell her I couldn't have done the last year of work without her. She wiped away my tears before her own. When I replied to a text she sent whilst I was traveling down to Phnom Penh that I was feeling very sad to leave this was her response - I know that. But u will come to see us again. U r always presented in our heart n brain. So u r not leaving us - this didn't help much to stop my 'tears drop down'.
I feel overwhelmed by the kindness of C & her barang husband P, whose hotel (my spiritual home) we went to for one final drink on my last night. He had arranged bar food on the house, a bottle of Champagne & also bought me a G&T for the road. C booked a taxi & came down to Phnom Penh with me explaining to the bemused taxi driver that I was her Bong S'rey (big sister) & the constant sobbing was because I was sad to leave my Cambodian family. C told me stories of her life - bombings, gunfire, sweat shop factories, bad fathers, bad ex-husbands, bad brothers, divorce & being a single parent, a Cambodian woman's struggles. We went out for a Chinese meal that evening with her regular tuk tuk driver - who impressed me by accurately estimating the weight of my luggage - and she insisted on paying for my meal & a medicinal large bottle of Angkor beer. When I got tired & emotional, asking her why she has always been so kind & generous towards me, she reminded me of the first day we met - happy hour at the hotel bar, after just a short conversation I gave her my phone number, sincerely telling her to call me if her, her children or her family ever needed medical help - you were so friendly & kind & you didn't even know me then - she told me, I daren't tell her it was probably just the long island iced tea talking! Karma cuts both ways.
And finally I feel nothing but sweet sorrow for leaving behind my best friend, R whose daughter broke my heart by doing a drawing for me & writing in her best English & Khmer -"I love Esther & Esther loves me". His family - the village people - had a leaving party for me on my final evening with all our favourite Khmer food including 'dirty meat' & 'shake fruit' in memory of all the times J, R & I had the very same at the forest. Saying goodbye to his wife was the starting point of all my tears this week, then his daughter P held me very tight, sobbing, whilst I told her she must continue to be strong, clever & brave although she should try be good, sometimes it would be better to not obey always her parents! As I sobbed on the back of R's moto as he took me to P & C's hotel, he told me earnestly - I'm just going to drop you off now, I am not going to say goodbye to you - But the next day he wasn't true to his word & came to the house to see me off. Against khmer convention he asked me for a hug. There are some people in life that you never want to let go of, I am very lucky to have met so many of them here.
C was right - I have left behind a Cambodian family & the parting was such sweet sorrow.
So I should feel glad that I am so sad to leave S - my Cambodian mother - who is keeping some of my things safe for me so I can collect them when I come back to visit her. She brought around hot bread at 6 30am for breakfast on my last day before I left for Phnom Penh. She cooked me, J (who I had been staying with) & J's husband a huge lunch that same day of fried & grilled fish, mango chilli salad, crab, prawn and pickled cabbage. She washed up & tidied busying herself whilst I waited for my Taxi resisting my attempts at hugs because she didn't want to cry. I told her I would have no khmer lesson that day, she replied she would see me tomorrow. We both cried. That evening she called me in my hotel room in Phnom Penh to tell me to sleep well & that I must "be happy" because if I was happy then she would be happy. I couldn't speak back to her without my voice breaking.
I am very grateful that I met my lovely assistant - L - whose strength in adversity, wit & wisdom far surpass her years. Saying good bye to her on our last day of work together was tough, I could barely get out the words to thank her or tell her I couldn't have done the last year of work without her. She wiped away my tears before her own. When I replied to a text she sent whilst I was traveling down to Phnom Penh that I was feeling very sad to leave this was her response - I know that. But u will come to see us again. U r always presented in our heart n brain. So u r not leaving us - this didn't help much to stop my 'tears drop down'.
I feel overwhelmed by the kindness of C & her barang husband P, whose hotel (my spiritual home) we went to for one final drink on my last night. He had arranged bar food on the house, a bottle of Champagne & also bought me a G&T for the road. C booked a taxi & came down to Phnom Penh with me explaining to the bemused taxi driver that I was her Bong S'rey (big sister) & the constant sobbing was because I was sad to leave my Cambodian family. C told me stories of her life - bombings, gunfire, sweat shop factories, bad fathers, bad ex-husbands, bad brothers, divorce & being a single parent, a Cambodian woman's struggles. We went out for a Chinese meal that evening with her regular tuk tuk driver - who impressed me by accurately estimating the weight of my luggage - and she insisted on paying for my meal & a medicinal large bottle of Angkor beer. When I got tired & emotional, asking her why she has always been so kind & generous towards me, she reminded me of the first day we met - happy hour at the hotel bar, after just a short conversation I gave her my phone number, sincerely telling her to call me if her, her children or her family ever needed medical help - you were so friendly & kind & you didn't even know me then - she told me, I daren't tell her it was probably just the long island iced tea talking! Karma cuts both ways.
And finally I feel nothing but sweet sorrow for leaving behind my best friend, R whose daughter broke my heart by doing a drawing for me & writing in her best English & Khmer -"I love Esther & Esther loves me". His family - the village people - had a leaving party for me on my final evening with all our favourite Khmer food including 'dirty meat' & 'shake fruit' in memory of all the times J, R & I had the very same at the forest. Saying goodbye to his wife was the starting point of all my tears this week, then his daughter P held me very tight, sobbing, whilst I told her she must continue to be strong, clever & brave although she should try be good, sometimes it would be better to not obey always her parents! As I sobbed on the back of R's moto as he took me to P & C's hotel, he told me earnestly - I'm just going to drop you off now, I am not going to say goodbye to you - But the next day he wasn't true to his word & came to the house to see me off. Against khmer convention he asked me for a hug. There are some people in life that you never want to let go of, I am very lucky to have met so many of them here.
C was right - I have left behind a Cambodian family & the parting was such sweet sorrow.
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