I knew I'd probably pushed it too far when R (always high up on my favourite Cambodian list) said to me, after two young girls drove by on a moto & he nearly dislocated his atlanto-occipital joint so I'd given him a 'look' of disapproval - "Even my eyes aren't free anymore!"
Its fair to say that with the electric razor J bought him for his birthday & my constant one woman attempt to alter his attitude towards his wife, karaoke, beer girls & extra marital affairs, means that R has learnt to 'alter' his behaviour around us - I don't like to think of it as nagging but this is basically what my capacity building has become. But today he told me "When you go back to England the first thing I'm doing is getting a girlfriend & growing a beard!" The two may, however, be mutually exclusive but it remains perhaps a metaphor for what capacity building can sometimes feel like. The changes only seem to occur when you are around to witness them & when you are no longer here, then everything slips back to the way it was before you came.
But facial hair & pretty girls aside there are some changes that can extend beyond any NGO workers time here, which often involves opening peoples mind's to a different way of thinking. I don't have a hospital example of this yet but......
R, J & I were sat having coffee. R - always on a mission of self improvement, which is why I'm sure he secretly encourages my nagging - wanted to know why if he said "Get out!" to a foreigner in a car, that could be seen as rude. I was explaining to him that in Khmer it wasn't rude but in English such a paucity of words was abrupt & considered impolite. We would have to add context & lots more words for it to be considered polite e.g. "We have arrived now, would you please like to get out of the car?"
As another example I gave him asking for the bill. I explained in the UK one would wait to get eye contact with a waiter, this would involve changing your body language - sitting upright, turning your body slightly. When one got eye contact you can either do the international sign for bill (In Morocco I once got brought a pen & paper!) or signal for the waiter to come over & ask "Please can we have the bill?" - obviously if you are really English you'd say "I'm so sorry, may we have the bill please?"
R was completely disbelieving - it was culturally normal to sit quietly & not yell across a restaurant "Kit luy!" - "But how are you ever supposed to get the waiters attention?" he asked incredulously. The night before we had been at 'The forest' - an eating place on the Thai border & R had been yelling for a full minute to get service as well as waving his arms like a drowning man - "That was rude in your country?" he asked suspiciously.
He looked to J - his role model for almost 4 years now - "Really?" he begged. Resigned that I had brought it to this J responded' "Yes, really. Every time I shouted 'Kit luy' for the first 3 years here, I died a little bit inside!"
We then both hastily added that we weren't saying it was rude in the context of South East Asia, we were just giving an example of cultural differences & why sometimes, things translated from Khmer into English can seem abrupt or rude to foreigners. We weren't asking Asia to change, we were giving some one from Asia an idea of how it felt to be an outsider.
This clearly made no sense to R & he just shook his head at the idea of a restaurant full of English people all silently gesturing for the bill & saying 'sorry' a lot.
We finished preparing our teaching for the following day & when it came to get the bill & I sat up straight & twisted my body around to make eye contact with the waiter but R grabbed my arm "No! Let me do this!"
He made his eyes very wide, cowed his head down a little & stared meekly at the waiter who had his back to him & then whispered "Somtoh - Oan Som Kit Luy" - sorry little brother bill please. Not surprisingly there was no response so R repeated it in a hushed voice with a hand flapping gesture (pointing or beckoning with one finger is VERY rude here) - still the waiter hadn't heard him & remained with his back to him.
A diner on the other side of the restaurant however was following R's attempts to get the waiter's attention so took it upon himself to yell at the top of his voice "OAN, KIT LUY!!!" and then pointed to our table.
R looked triumphant, J & I remain pretty sure that if he had stuck at it he would have got the bill eventually.
Now when ever I make an attempt to get a waiter's attention R shakes his head sadly & says - so gentle & so polite - I think he is mocking me. Maybe the reality of it is I am being too gentle & polite with the hospital staff as well.
Its fair to say that with the electric razor J bought him for his birthday & my constant one woman attempt to alter his attitude towards his wife, karaoke, beer girls & extra marital affairs, means that R has learnt to 'alter' his behaviour around us - I don't like to think of it as nagging but this is basically what my capacity building has become. But today he told me "When you go back to England the first thing I'm doing is getting a girlfriend & growing a beard!" The two may, however, be mutually exclusive but it remains perhaps a metaphor for what capacity building can sometimes feel like. The changes only seem to occur when you are around to witness them & when you are no longer here, then everything slips back to the way it was before you came.
But facial hair & pretty girls aside there are some changes that can extend beyond any NGO workers time here, which often involves opening peoples mind's to a different way of thinking. I don't have a hospital example of this yet but......
R, J & I were sat having coffee. R - always on a mission of self improvement, which is why I'm sure he secretly encourages my nagging - wanted to know why if he said "Get out!" to a foreigner in a car, that could be seen as rude. I was explaining to him that in Khmer it wasn't rude but in English such a paucity of words was abrupt & considered impolite. We would have to add context & lots more words for it to be considered polite e.g. "We have arrived now, would you please like to get out of the car?"
As another example I gave him asking for the bill. I explained in the UK one would wait to get eye contact with a waiter, this would involve changing your body language - sitting upright, turning your body slightly. When one got eye contact you can either do the international sign for bill (In Morocco I once got brought a pen & paper!) or signal for the waiter to come over & ask "Please can we have the bill?" - obviously if you are really English you'd say "I'm so sorry, may we have the bill please?"
R was completely disbelieving - it was culturally normal to sit quietly & not yell across a restaurant "Kit luy!" - "But how are you ever supposed to get the waiters attention?" he asked incredulously. The night before we had been at 'The forest' - an eating place on the Thai border & R had been yelling for a full minute to get service as well as waving his arms like a drowning man - "That was rude in your country?" he asked suspiciously.
He looked to J - his role model for almost 4 years now - "Really?" he begged. Resigned that I had brought it to this J responded' "Yes, really. Every time I shouted 'Kit luy' for the first 3 years here, I died a little bit inside!"
We then both hastily added that we weren't saying it was rude in the context of South East Asia, we were just giving an example of cultural differences & why sometimes, things translated from Khmer into English can seem abrupt or rude to foreigners. We weren't asking Asia to change, we were giving some one from Asia an idea of how it felt to be an outsider.
This clearly made no sense to R & he just shook his head at the idea of a restaurant full of English people all silently gesturing for the bill & saying 'sorry' a lot.
We finished preparing our teaching for the following day & when it came to get the bill & I sat up straight & twisted my body around to make eye contact with the waiter but R grabbed my arm "No! Let me do this!"
He made his eyes very wide, cowed his head down a little & stared meekly at the waiter who had his back to him & then whispered "Somtoh - Oan Som Kit Luy" - sorry little brother bill please. Not surprisingly there was no response so R repeated it in a hushed voice with a hand flapping gesture (pointing or beckoning with one finger is VERY rude here) - still the waiter hadn't heard him & remained with his back to him.
A diner on the other side of the restaurant however was following R's attempts to get the waiter's attention so took it upon himself to yell at the top of his voice "OAN, KIT LUY!!!" and then pointed to our table.
R looked triumphant, J & I remain pretty sure that if he had stuck at it he would have got the bill eventually.
Now when ever I make an attempt to get a waiter's attention R shakes his head sadly & says - so gentle & so polite - I think he is mocking me. Maybe the reality of it is I am being too gentle & polite with the hospital staff as well.
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